It's a Date
by AlterEthereal
Summary: Itachi is bored. Sakura thought Sasuke was hot... what happens when she runs into his brother? Literally? They get coffee and plot madness, of course.
1. Coffee and the Uchiha Effect

**Author's Note:. **Hello! I am pleased to announce the arrival of my fourth Naruto fanfic. I should be working on LC right now, but my sister insisted that I at least post a first chapter for this one, since it is our baby. She loves it dearly.

And as such, I hereby dedicate this entire fic to my lovely b-face.

**Summary:.** Itachi is bored. Sakura thought Sasuke was hot... what happens when she runs into his brother? Literally? They get coffee and plot madness, of course.

**Pairings:.** Um... ItaSaku? No, that's wrong, Itachi is just bored. SasuNaru? No, they're barely in the story at all so far. GaiKiba? Wtf, that has nothing to do with anything, don't listen to me.

**Warnings:.** Slow updating, the Uchiha Effect, plot holes, and general insanity.

**Disclaimer:.** I don't own it okay? Sheesh, we already knew that... what a waste of pixels.

* * *

**It's a Date**

**1: Coffee and the Uchiha Effect  
**

It was directly following Sasuke's departure from Konoha, that Haruno Sakura began to realize some things. "Some things" mainly entailing what a jackass and utter moron Sasuke had been lately. Perhaps the young Uchiha really wasn't meant for her after all...

And with these melancholy thoughts in mind, the pink-haired girl found herself wandering the streets of an equally melancholy city, everyone mourning the loss of the heir to Konoha's formerly most-respected clan. Many altars and shrines to the young hearthrob were burned in ceremony, and several young girls cried themselves to sleep, others going as far as to take a kunai to their wrists in grief.

Sakura, however, praising herself as the strongest-minded female in all of Konoha, did not mourn. She fumed.

"Uchiha Sasuke, I can't believe I wasted so much affection on you! It is now quite clear to me that you are a worthless, replaceable jerk!"

Upon this declaration, she felt much better, and was later sighted by a group of distraught villagers to be skipping joyously about the streets of the sad city.

Elsewhere nearby, a tall man walked calmly and unsuspectingly in the direction of the young Haruno, the gleam of said girl's large forehead acting subconsciously as a beacon for the man, whose Sharingan eyes happened to be extra sensitive to the glare. The man's silky, black hair was tied back in a low ponytail, swishing slightly in the breeze while the sight caused every girl within a half-mile radius to swoon.

One strand of hair erred slightly from the path the man intended, and so he gracefully lifted one hand from the collar of his ankle-length Akatsuki cloak to brush the offender back behind his ear, exposing a generous amount of pale, perfect neck and increasing the radius of swooning girls to a full two miles.

Of course, the only man able to invoke such a reaction from the masses of Konoha is undeniably Uchiha Itachi. Sasuke had only been able to get his radius up to one mile, another thing he detested his older brother for besting him at.

Somewhere up ahead indefinitely, Sakura swooned for no apparent reason, but only wondered about it briefly as it seemed to happen to her quite frequently, especially when Sasuke was in the vicinity. She paid these implications no heed, however, and continued her joyous skipping and silent cursing of Sasuke.

Itachi paid no heed to his effect on the populous either, opting instead to brood over how pathetic his little brother was, going off to Orochimaru for power instead of earning it the righteous way, by killing everyone that he cared about. He sighed slightly, causing several girls nearby to faint.

He then decided that it was best not to think too much on this, as it was his day off and he preferred not to be so depressed. He instead began a new train of thought involving the Kyuubi, some ramen, a long rope, and a bulk order of molasses and chicken feathers from _Akatsuki Weekly_, his favorite magazine.

Unfortunately, he couldn't sense the young vessel's chakra anywhere nearby, so these thoughts also led him to dissatisfaction and depression. How terrible that on his only day away from his cowering superiors and fish-like companion, Kisame, that he should be unable to register happy thoughts!

And so it came to be that Itachi - upon forcing himself to clear his mind of all thoughts concerning Akatsuki, the Kyuubi, and his little brother - found himself utterly and helplessly bored.

He continued walking through his hometown, for lack of anything better to do, pausing every once in a while to sigh or tuck an errant piece of hair behind his ear and blatantly ignore the increasing amounts of passed-out women he left in his wake.

Sakura, meanwhile, was too enamored by her newfound emotional freedom to pass out or swoon uncontrollably as the sight of Itachi made it's way to her horizon. She skipped along ignorantly, happily disregarding the little voices in her head that told her _'swoon'_, _'brood over Sasuke'_, _'wonder where Naruto is'_, and _'watch where you're going before you run into-_

**BAM!**

Perhaps she would have listened to the last one, had it not been cut short by her coming abruptly into contact with something tall, dark, and handsome, though the latter was still unkown to her as of yet.

Startled out of her blissfully oblivious ignorance, she was now fully susceptible to the man's swoon-inducing effect. She, however, being the strongest-minded female in Konoha - or so she assured herself - miraculously kept herself from immediately fainting as she looked up to see whom she'd run into.

Icy Sharingan glared into her. _Uchiha_... her mind automatically registered, and she unconsciously drooled out the word as the first of the pink, floating hearts began to emanate from her figure.

"Hn..." The man, none other than Itachi, grumbled, sweeping his gaze over the young girl's form, taking no particular interest in the adoring sparkle in her eyes but carefully noticing the floating hearts and analyzing them almost instinctively to make sure they weren't meant to b e projectiles that posed a threat. Not that it mattered; he was the best shinobi ever, and _nothing_ stood a chance against him.

However, something intrigued him about this girl. It may have been her partial immunity to what psychologists and human relations experts referred to as the 'Uchiha Effect.' It may have been her obscenely pink hair and large forehead. Or it may have just been the fact that he was bored out of his mind and she had already proven herself to be exciting enough to make him stop walking, though it was merely an inadvertent effect of her running into him.

This raised another point in favor of this girl: no one, male or female, shinobi or civilian... not even the highest ANBU captains dared to even _look_ at Uchiha Itachi the wrong way, let alone touch him.

This girl had guts.

He watched as the girl got to her feet with a wobble or two, her instability no doubt caused by the Uchiha diluted air around them.

Sakura's gaze didn't leave the mysterious man's, though her periferal vision did quite a job on his surrounding characteristics.

_Emotionless, blood-thirsty eyes, blank expression, Konoha missing nin symbol on hitai-ate, billowing Akatsuki cloak... Oh come on, Sakura, get it together! This guy could be just what you need to get over Sasuke! Plus, he's so HOT!_

Much to Itachi's surprise, Sakura broke eye contact and proceeded to dust herself off a bit, the floating hearts dissipating. Regaining her composure, she then bowed slightly and said, "I'm sorry for running into you. My name is Haruno Sakura. Would you like to go get some coffee?"

And so, ten minutes later would find the two sitting together in a small Starbucks, nearly everyone around them either fainting (the women) or crying (the men). Sakura sipped lightly on her vanilla cappucino and Itachi glared at his espresso.

"So," Sakura offered with a smile to begin a conversation, "I couldn't help but notice that you're using the Sharingan, a bloodline limit unique to the Uchiha clan. May I ask your name?"

"Hn... Itachi."

"Uchiha Itachi, huh? You wouldn't by any chance be related to Uchiha Sasuke, would you?"

"Ah, my little brother."

Somewhere out past the Valley of the End, in the depths of darkness, a certain blonde was interrupted mid-rant by a violent sneeze from his rival, the recipient of said ranting.

"Sasuke's brother!" Sakura gasped in astonishment.

"You know Sasuke-chan?"

"We're on the same team, Cell 7. Or we were, anyway."

"Yes, the pathetic little brat ran off to Orochimaru, eh?"

Reflexively, the pink-haired girl nearly gave a yell of 'Don't say that about my Sasuke-kuuun!' before remembering her declaration from earlier. Instead, she opted for, "You mean, you think so too?"

At this, Itachi had to suppress the raise of an eyebrow. "Of course. He's a weakling, a waste of time."

"You know, I haven't been on such great terms with him, myself. He's been a real idiot lately."

Itachi took a tentative sip of his espresso as Sakura abruptly went into rant mode.

"Honestly, I don't know what I ever saw in him. He may be nice to look at, but he doesn't even have the personality of a rock. I mean, a rock at least listens when you speak to it. Sasuke just ignores people."

This time, the Uchiha _did_ raise an eyebrow. Somewhere outside the cafe, another few women passed out.

"Besides, I've come to realize that there's _so_ much better." The girl's chin lowered a bit, a blush staining her cheeks as she looked up at her companion shyly.

The other eyebrow raised, and even Sakura swooned a bit. All the rest of the women were already passed out, and even a few of the men in the immediate area. This left the two very nearly alone in the cafe. Itachi was becoming just a little nervous, when a thought occured to him.

_Hm... If my little brother is in her cell, then that means..._

"So, tell me, my dear..." he trailed off, searching for something that he couldn't quite remember.

"Sakura," the girl supplied eagerly, pleasantly oblivious to any offense she should have taken at the fact that he couldn't remember her name.

"Ah yes, Sakura," the Uchiha allowed some sweet, sticky sort of emotion leak out through his voice and proceeded to take one of her hands, which had been sitting on the table beside her drink, into his, which, though it was sticking out oddly through the neck of his cloak, still managed to look hot, if not downright sexy. "Tell me, who else is in your cell?"

The pink-haired girl almost melted on the spot. _He's. touching. me. voluntarily!_ Her inner self squealed with delight. "Oh, well you see, the only other person in my cell is this slacker named Naruto."

"Naruto?" Here, Itachi subtely shifted from manipulator mode to predator mode. "Tell me about this 'Naruto.'"

This time, Naruto's ranting was disrupted by a sneeze from himself. He and Sasuke wondered vaguely if they were getting sick.

For a moment, Sakura was flabberghasted that her new love interest would be at all curious about the blonde idiot, but she supposed that it was alright. After all, he was probably just trying to scope out the competition. "Well, he's blonde and dumb, and has no manners at all. He plays pranks on just about everyone and can't do anything right. He just gets in the way."

_The kyuubi? An idiot?_ "He's really that stupid?"

"Yeah, and he has a crush on me, too." Sakura shuddered. "Don't tell Kakashi-sensei, but sometimes, I really think we should just boot the trouble-maker off the team. Sasuke and I would be better off without him."

_Score!_ Itachi thought maniacally. "Hm... that can be arranged, you know. I'd be happy to take him off your hands."

The kunoichi was ecstatic. Getting to hang out with Itachi-kun _and_ get rid of Naruto? Man, this was like killing two birds with one stone! Sakura's emerald eyes sparked with hope as she asked, "Do you really mean that?"

Still grasping the other's hand, Itachi pulled both of them to their feet. "Of course, my dear Sayuri... Sarasa..."

"Sakura."

"Sakura, thank you."

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tbc!

Yep yep, lovely, eh? The more reviews the story eats, the bigger it gets.


	2. Knights and Shopping Bags

**Author's Note:.** Well, I did warn you about slow updating.

...Though even I must say, that was... _really_ long. I blame it on my term paper and math tests, as well as the roller skating meet I've been preparing for. Which, incidentally, I won. Go me! Now let's watch as my head inflates even more!

(edited 1x)

**Summary/Pairings/Disclaimer/Warnings:.** See the first chapter, because I'm lazy and tired and it's past my bed time.

**Warnings:. **(this chapter specifically) Idiocy, bad tactics, more plot holes, and subtle everyone-bashing.

**Reviewer Responses:.** Firstly, thank you all for your encouraging reviews! I was absolutely blown away by all the positive feedback I received.

Each chapter, I will _randomly_ select five reviewers to answer to, though each review will be read and stored in a special place in my heart. Flames will be used to respectfully cremate all the victims that died of the sappiness of my last statement.

lostfreakfound: I'm glad you're looking forward to updates, and I'm sure they'll be more frequent from now on. Thanks for your review!

Rythmic: Reading what you wrote made my mouth water. X+ Thank you for your review! I'm gonna go get a glass of juice now.

PRoyalAngel: I'm glad you enjoyed it! Yes, Itachi is adorably dense, isn't he? I haven't really considered an ItaSaku pairing much yet. Sounds amusing, though. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what me and my sister's oxygen-deprived minds come up with. Thank you for reviewing!

koori no tenshi: Oh yes, the craziness is crucial. What would we do without a little craziness? Thank you for your review! I'm glad that you like the story so far.

Kumori: Haha, I'm sorry, I updated as soon as I could. Each review reminds me to get my butt working, thank you for the support!

**End.

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**

**It's a Date**

**2. Knights and Shopping bags**

Near the Valley of the End, two boys were arguing heatedly.

"You bastard!" Naruto yelled. "Don't you get it? This strategy isn't going to get you anywhere!"

"How would you know? The most effective strategies take time," Sasuke replied calmly, which only infuriated the blonde more.

"Time my ass! You're just making the first move that comes to mind, not even thinking about what you'll do next!"

Dark, colorless eyes closed as their owner rubbed his temples irritatedly. "Shouting is useless, dead-last. You're not going to convince me to change my mind."

"Fine," Naruto huffed, "I'll beat you _and_ your stupid, cheating ways!"

"For the last time, jumping my knight over your bishop is _not_ cheating."

"Sure, it's not, bastard," Naruto snorted sarcastically.

Sasuke sighed for about the millionth time; they'd been arguing over this for the past 20 minutes, easily. "Look, Naruto, I'm sure I own a chess rule book somewhere in my house. When you go back to Konoha, _alone_, I give you full permission to turn the place upside down in search of it. I'm telling you, I'm right."

"And I'm telling you you're wrong!"

"You can't just make up your own rules, idiot."

"Whatever. But if you can do that, then I can do this!" Naruto proceeded to grab his rook and his king off the board, moving them for the first time that game, and place them on the two empty spots between their original positions and behind the three pawns in the next row to form a "castle" around Naruto's king. "Ha! Check that out!"

His opponent just gaped in disbelief. _Damn, there's no way my knight can get to his king, now... that idiot just blew my entire plan!_ And then, after realizing this, Sasuke gaped some more.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" Naruto asked through his trademark grin. "Or are you admitting defeat already?"

At this, the jaw that had been openly dropped snapped back up to join the rest of the mouth. "You wish, dumbass. I was just wondering how an idiot like you who doesn't even know the right way to move a knight knows how to castle."

"Don't call me an idiot! And for your information, I'm-so-much-better-at-chess-than-everyone-else-sama, I know lots of cool moves from watching Shikamaru play with his dad. This one time he-"

"ACHOO!" Sasuke sneezed all of a sudden, his entire body buckling over with the force of the explosion.

This, of course, caused Naruto's body to buckle over in laughter. Somehow, though, he managed a whole sentence in between chuckles: "What the hell was that?"

Sasuke didn't like being laughed at, especially by Naruto. After all, if _Naruto_ of all people was entitled to laugh at him, he must've looked _really_ stupid. "Shut up, dead-last. Let's just finish this dumb game so I can get going. I have a Dead Clan Club meeting back at the lair in an hour."

Surprisingly, Naruto's peals did subside rather quickly. "Oh no, you won't be going back this time!" he proclaimed. "'Cause I'm gonna kick your ass! You just watch!"

The game continued, only pausing once when Sasuke took Naruto's bishop by moving a pawn diagonally. Naruto had just begun ranting about how Sasuke "pulled that rule out of his ass" was when he, too, sneezed violently. The blonde was thoroughly silenced and play resumed.

Ten minutes, four pawns, and a queen later, Naruto was crowing in...

...victory.

"Woo-yeah! Who's the greatest ninja in the world? Who beat the great Sasuke-chan at his own twisted game?" The blonde danced around in true Naruto fashion while Sasuke sulkily put the portable chess board back in his bag.

"It wasn't twisted, it was just chess. You didn't beat me out of skill, just luck, and even if you had, it wouldn't make you the best ninja in the world."

"Ah, maybe not, but it makes me good enough to drag you back to Konoha!"

Sasuke groaned. He'd hoped Naruto would have forgotten that part of their little deal. "Naruto."

Naruto paused in his victory dance. "Yeah?"

"I hate you."

Speaking of Konoha, two certain ninjas were currently exiting a quaint, little cafe.

The streets of the village were still littered with the bodies of passed out women, but a certain Sakura was gearing all her attention toward glancing discreetly at a certain Itachi, who was too accustomed to it all to care.

"So, where should we go next, Itachi-kun?"

"Hn." To be honest, the Uchiha hadn't really considered going anywhere. His usual schedule while he was in Konoha went something like this:

1. Walk around in the street making women pass out.

2. Get coffee.

3. Walk around some more.

4. Watch Sasuke-chan and/or Naruto-chan.

5. Walk around some more.

6. Get onigiri.

And then he'd leave. Every once in a while, even though he'd avoid it at all costs - he'd even jumped into a fish pond once - he'd run into his little brother. All sorts of annoying hells would break loose after that.

But no, now he couldn't even go visit Sasuke and Naruto, because they were off god-knew-where doing god-knew-what but they most certainly were not in the streets of Konoha walking around, just waiting to crash into himself and Sakura.

"I don't know," Itachi finally replied. "What do you normally do around here?"

Sakura took a moment to ponder this. "Well, I usually just find Ino-pig and fight with her for a while... Oh! I like to go shopping!"

_Shop? Oh god, one of those four-letter words..._ Itachi supressed a shudder. He should've known better than to ask an adolescent girl what she liked to do in the city. Of course, she was looking up at him with her hands clasped beneath her chin, her aura intruding uncomfortably into his personal space, and these big, watery eyes that just _screamed_ 'If you don't take me shopping right this second I will personally go door to door and tell every girl in Konohagakure that you're single.'

Itachi steeled himself and said between grit teeth, "Is that so?"

"Yeah!" Sakura bounced around merrily. "Say, do you want to come with me to Ninjas 'R' Us? I've been meaning to stop by there to replenish my supply of Naruto-B-Gone, but I haven't gotten around to it until now."

Weighing his options, the Uchiha eventually decided that shopping couldn't be that bad if all the girl wanted was a stupid spray can. "Hn... fine."

And thus, Itachi made what was perhaps the worst mistake of his life, even including the massacre of clan Uchiha.

Sakura took him everywhere. What originally started out as an innocent search for a can of Naruto-B-Gone eventually turned into an all-out shopping spree, with the teenage girl in the front seat and Itachi hanging on for his dear life.

After about half an hour of non-stop spending, he concluded that her family was comfortably well-off. Not nearly as well-off as the late Uchiha, of course, but obviously well-off enough to cater to the financially demanding Sakura. He also found himself, for the first time in a Very Long While, glad that he was a ninja, because otherwise it would be quite difficult to lug the shopaholic's bags around as she rushed from store to store.

He'd protested only once.

"You're a big boy," she'd chided him with a motherly wag of the index finger, "and I'm sure you know by now that it's polite to carry a lady's bags for her."

Well, he couldn't argue with that. He could always kill her, but then who would assist him in his plan to capture Naruto? Kisame'd had his chance. They'd ended up inside some monstrous frog's belly with Itachi's rage-blinded little brother, one of the three legendary sennin, and, in the end, not even a scrap of the Kyuubi vessel's clothing.

It would be prudent, he decided, to try playing the game with allies already behind his enemies' defenses for once.

He'd tried to teach that to Sasuke in chess, but the fool had lost every time Itachi castled.

Chuckling fondly at the memory and allowing his bag-carrying ninja skills to falter for a split second, the Uchiha slammed into a pole and lost his footing. But only slightly, because Uchihas just don't stumble.

_But wait... since when did poles profess their undying hatred for me and have hands with which to power up a chidori?_

"You bastard!"

"Little brother?"

"Sasuke-ku- I mean, Sasuke, you jerk!"

"Sakura-chan?"

"Naruto?"

"Naruto-chan."

"Itachi...?"

"Sakura?"

"Yes?"

"What's _he_ doing in Konoha?"

"Well, little brother, I could ask the same of you."

At this, Sasuke fumed, then brooded, and then finally all-out sulked upon remembrance of how Naruto had brought him back. Sakura stared. Itachi cocked an eyebrow. Several more women fainted. Naruto... gloated.

"I kicked his ass at...! Um..."

"Chess, Naruto."

"Shut up, Sasuke-bastard! I was just... testing you guys! Yeah! To see if Itachi could read minds!"

"Sasuke lost... to you...?"

Silence.

"Tsk tsk, little brother. He castled, didn't he?"

* * *

tbc!

Wow. Two down, who-knows-how-many more to go.

By contributing to the reviews page, you not only contribute to my already overwhelming ego, but you also hypothetically donate a considerable amount of money to the Keep This Fic Going Fund.

Review at your own risk.


	3. Ramen and Homicidal Tendencies

**Author's Note:. **My stupid hoe of a sister just squeezed my hand. My _injured_ hand.

"You put it in my popcorn! And I told you, no popcorn until you update."

T-T -_kills her-_ Well fuck that. I didn't want that stupid popcorn anyway. So yeah. Sorry for the torturously long wait. At least it's not as long as the last one. But I don't think this chapter is as good. -_cries-_

"Naruto's like 'incredi-skank'. He gets paired with _everyone_." How true. Just... not in this story. XD

**Summary/Pairings/Disclaimer/Warnings:. **See the first chapter, because I'm lazy, tired, and sick now, too. -_cough, hack-_ Oh! and I don't own DDR. I don't even have one. Y-Y

**Warnings:. **(this chapter specifically) Whiny girls, homicidal Uchihas, the ever-present plot holes, and unhealthy amounts of carbohydrates.

**Reviewer Responses:.** Firstly, I LOVE YOU GUYS. I am _still_ blown away by all the positive feedback I'm receiving.

Each chapter, I will _randomly_ select five revieweres to answer to, though each review will be read and stored in a special place in my heart. Flames will be used to repectfully cremate all the victims that died of the sappiness of my last statement.

Carollipop: Lol, thank you! Mindless randomness is excellent and probably _way_ better than this. Then again, this thing does kind of contain some mindlessly random qualities, eh? XD Thank you for your review!

Temari-chan15: Thanks! I'm always so happy when people say they like the way I write! ToT I've been trying hard to keep the not-exactly-a-plot interesting and original, and making fun of the characters is so fun! (And easy, lol.)Thank you for your review!

glbial: OMGWTF I can't believe I picked your review. XD Well, hoe, you owe me some popcorn now. -_kills you if you don't get it for me-_ -_or just doesn't let you into my room-_

marshmellowluvr: X3 Thanks for your review! I'm happy that you like it, and I'll try very hard to keep my butt going with the updates. Thanks again!

AnimeSenko: Yeah, I know! XD I laughed almost the entire time I wrote the chess scene. And Itachi? Uchiha genius? Pfft, not in _my_ story! -_is attacked by the OOC police-_ Oh well. And who knows about the pairings, you'll probably get some random, barbecued ItaSaku somewhere in there. But then again, the fic could morph into anything at this point, the little mutant whore. Thank you for reviewing!

**End.

* * *

**

**It's a Date**

**2. Ramen and Homicidal Tendencies**

Many long moments passed in tension between the four shinobi. This tension ranged from slight discomfort all the way up to violent enmity and tended to blur the lines between anger, confusion, and curiosity.

Naruto, of course, is annoying, which makes everyone dislike him. Except Sasuke. The reason Sasuke dislikes Naruto isn't because he's obnoxious, but because he has the potential to become more powerful than Sasuke himself, and that just isn't allowed.

Sakura wasn't necessarily hated by the boys, but one was well on his way to hating her and the other two were afraid of her.

Sasuke is just weird. Nobody really hated him, just acted like they did.

Itachi, surprisingly, caused the least amount of foul emotions. Sakura, of course, was absolutely bowled over by his sex-god aura. Naruto was confused, wondering what exactly Itachi was after. _Is it the power of the Kyuubi? Is he trying to hurt Sasuke through me? Or does he just want my sexy body?_ The blond boy pondered this extensively, which is, for him, approximately 5 minutes. Sasuke was violent and hateful just like always. But Sasuke hates everyone.

Anyway, the fact that Itachi caused the _least_ amount of angst should be a testament to just how tense those many moments really were.

And then, suddenly, the tension was lost.

"RAMEN!"

All eyes abruptly fixated themselves on the origin of the noise. Naruto stood casually, proud that he'd dissipated the atmosphere, if only for the moment.

"...What?" It didn't matter who said it. They were all thinking it.

"I said 'ramen'!" Naruto affirmed. "Bringing Sasuke-bastard back from the Dark Side of the Force really takes it out of you, so I think maybe we should all head to Ichiraku and... well, talk things out there."

"'Talk things out'...?" Sasuke asked, puzzled. Was he serious? Did he really think 'talking things out' was going to help anything? The only solution to this problem was to kill his older brother. That was the solution to _every_ problem.

Meanwhile, Itachi was spawning the amusing visual of a hybrid between Sasuke and Deidara, another member of Akatsuki who happened to have a mouth in the center of each palm. Granted, Itachi had never seen these mouths speak, but he figured it would be interesting to see Sasuke perform his Chidori and try to pass it off as 'talking'.

"You, Satsuki," Itachi began, looking toward the girl of their little group.

"Her name's Sakura, you idiot," Sasuke admonished his older brother. _No wonder our parents didn't like him very much. Even with all his looks, brains, and talent, he wouldn't have been able to keep the clan populated if his life depended on it._

"It's okay, Itachi-kun, I understand that it was just a slip of the tongue!"

Noting the adoring look Sakura attacked Itachi with, though, he made an amendment to his statement: _What am I talking about? They just wouldn't produce very intelligent offspring_.

"Anyway," Itachi continued, looking back to Sakura once again, "I was just going to ask the girl if she objected to Naruto-chan's proposition. I haven't heard any other suggestions, and besides, the poor boy is already halfway there."

Sasuke, for a moment, was highly confused. Figuring that 'poor boy' referred to Naruto, he looked to the blond to see if he knew what Itachi was talking about. Unfortunately, however, the only thing his eyes found was air and kicked-up dust. Naruto really was literally halfway to Ichiraku already.

"Hey, dead-last! Wait!" he called, taking off after the apparently very hungry boy. "Where do you think you're going!"

Itachi turned to Sakura, wondering something. "Why in heaven's name is Sasuke-chan calling that boy 'dead-last'? It seems obvious that Naruto-chan is in front of him."

Shrugging, the girl replied, "Eh, it's Sasuke's nickname for him. Along with 'idiot', 'dunce', 'stupid', 'dumb hammer' (I don't even want to know where that one came from), and pretty much any other name he can think of that insults Naruto's intelligence -- or lack thereof."

"Sounds... affectionate." Although Itachi was being sarcastic, Sakura's mouth sank into a pout and her eyes moved to gaze at the ground.

"I wonder why Sasuke never gave _me_ a nickname?"

Itachi kept silent, unsure of what to say. He knew that women could be volatile creatures, but really had no idea how to deal with them when they became so. He usually killed them. Even now, his fingers just itched to grab a kunai and slit her throat. _Nice Itachi... must not kill emotional pink-haired girl... _

Meanwhile, Inner Sakura raged at him, _How can he just stand there while I'm clearly feeling depressed! Time to up the ante..._

Itachi grimaced as tears began to form in Sakura's vivid, emerald eyes. The kunai was now practically screaming to be used, and the girl didn't seem to have any intention of curbing her emotions. This meant that Itachi would have to somehow find a way to curb them himself without killing her.

"Eh... don't cry, please," he ventured in a voice slightly more caring-sounding than his usual stoicism. Still, however, his efforts had very little effect.

"Is it too much to ask, Itachi-kun?" Sakura whined softly. "For someone to like me? Is that too much?"

"Naruto-chan seems to like you."

This only made Sakura's tears flow more freely. Itachi's fingers brushed tantalizingly against the leather of his weapons holster.

"Uh..." Cursing his homicidal tendencies, the Uchiha wrought his brain for anything he could say that might do the trick. "Um... and I sort of like you, too, I guess."

That shut Sakura up immediately. Inner Sakura heaved a fist in the air, _Yes!_ "Do you really mean it?" she asked, raising her wobbly, wet eyes to her companion's cold Sharingan.

For a moment, Itachi contemplated executing a short Tsukiyomi that would keep her satisfied but at the same time, subject himself to nothing embarrassing. Unfortunately, Tsukiyomi would require an unpleasant amount of chakra that he didn't really feel like spending right then, especially when he could surely spend it later making Sasuke re-re-relive his family's massacre. After all, that did seem to be a sort of tradition they held every time they met.

Speaking of Sasuke...

"Uh... don't you think we should follow those two?"

Sakura suddenly jolted, as if startled, her tears forgotten. "Oh, yes! Silly me, I haven't been paying attention to our objective!"

_Objective indeed_, Itachi mentally snorted. And with practiced shinobi skills, he blocked out the pink-haired girl -- who'd begun to babble -- and began walking in the direction of Ichiraku.

Though the Uchiha had never admitted it freely to anyone, he was a die-hard closet ramen fan. His parents had disapproved greatly of the dish, saying that it was disgusting and that no true Uchiha would ever eat anything so cheaply processed and artificially satisfying.

Nevertheless, back before he left Konoha, he had visited Ichiraku often. He would always use the henge no jutsu to disguise himself as a pretty young woman (he'd had a thing for long hair and eyelashes, even then) so that no one would recognize him, and then eat to his heart's content.

One day, though, due to the most unfortunate of scheduling errors on his part, his best friend came around to Ichiraku while Itachi was in disguise. Shisui, being the infamous womanizer that he was, immediately began hitting on Itachi until eventually he was forced to reveal his identity.

'Ita-chan,' Shisui had chided, 'you know your parents would be disappointed if they knew you were here.'

A few weeks later, the boy had tried to blackmail Itachi into buying him the newest version of Dance Dance Revolution.

'You misuse my secrets, Shi-chan,' he'd replied and then killed him, gaining the Mangekyou Sharingan.

_Ah, those were the days_, Itachi smiled secretively as he and Sachiko or whatever her name was continued on down the female body-littered road. He tried tuning himself in to what the girl beside him was rambling about.

"...And he just said, 'I was helping an old woman with her grocery bags.' I mean, how lame is that? Even if he _were_ the type to do random good deeds on the street, that lady would've had to have like, tons of groceries for it to have taken three and a half _freakin'_ hours..."

And he tuned himself out. He wondered vaguely when she would have to take a break to breathe.

A little while later, they came upon Ichiraku. Just the thought of Ojii-san's ramen was enough to make Itachi's adrenaline rush as quickly as if he were on a high-ranked mission, and it was all he could do to keep his legs from sprinting inside. After all, Uchihas just don't get excited--about _anything_, not even ramen. It went right after the whole 'no stumbling' thing in the rulebook of Uchiha 'Do's and 'Don't's.

Naruto and Sasuke were both still there, the former practically wolfing down what looked like his 4th or 5th bowl, and the latter watching in bewilderment. Suddenly, however, the waitress that had been serving them swooned and passed out. Sasuke sat up stock straight, and even Naruto paused in his quest of stuffing himself silly.

Sasuke shuddered in anticipation. "It's the Uchiha Effect... he's here!"

His blonde companion swallowed his last mouthful of ramen loudly. "Who? Itachi?"

Itachi chose that dramatic moment to enter the little ramen bar, his pink-haired sidekick trailing behind him. "How very intelligent, Naruto-chan. And Sasami over here says that you're stupid..."

Sasuke let his head fall down on the counter with a _thump_, giving up on getting his brother to remember the correct name.

"Hey, I'm not stupid! I'm gonna be the greatest Hokage ever! _Then_ we'll see who's stupid!" Naruto yelled, pointing an index finger in Itachi and Sakura's general direction. The two pointees, however, paid negligible attention to the blond's short rant, opting instead to take the couple of seats to the left of him.

At the raise of Itachi's hand, Ojii-san shuffled over, nearly tripping over his daughter's fainted form. "Can I get something for you, sir?"

"Yes, I'd like a large order of your super deluxe ramen special, with tomatoes on the side, please," Itachi replied, adding as almost an afterthought, "if you still offer it, that is."

Everyone, including Ojii-san and Naruto, looked at the elder Uchiha amazedly.

"Only two people have ever been able to stomach that dish," Ojii-san mumbled, "Naruto there, and a young girl who used to glare a lot. I haven't seen her in six or seven years, though!"

"Six or seven years...?" Sasuke's eyes widened.

Something abruptly clicked in the young Uchiha's brain as he watched his brother's eyes shift from place to place nervously. _All those times Itachi used to sneak away around lunch, the inexplicable smell of rice noodles on his breath when he returned... It's all coming together now!_

"Itachi," he seethed, "you know mom and dad would never have approved of such a thing!"

"Ah, but they aren't here, now are they, foolish little brother?"

"And it's your fault! Agh, I'll kill you!" Sasuke began collecting chakra in his hand, intending to Chidori that ramen right up Itachi's nose. Before he could reach over to strike the man, however, a sharp jab in his side nearly pushed him off his stool.

Naruto held his chopsticks up self-incriminatingly, telling Sasuke in a surprisingly authoritative voice that reminded him of the demon-Naruto he'd fought near the waterfall, "You will _not_ destroy or disrespect Ichiraku by attacking your brother in here. Is that understood, Sasuke-bastard?"

Turning even paler than he was naturally, Sasuke could do nothing but nod, almost frightened by the change in Naruto's demeanor, 'almost' being the key word. Itachi just smirked smugly at the scene, until the blond turned to him.

"And you! I don't care if your ramen-eating skills rival mine; you will eat peacefully, without provoking Sasuke. Got it?"

Itachi had to suppress a slight shiver at the promised death in the boy's eyes. Shrugging almost nervously, he affixed his wits and said, "Sasuke-chan is just embarrassed because he never had the backbone to defy our parents and come here to try the ramen."

"That's not true!" Sasuke quickly became tense once again. "I was proud of our family's low-carb ways!"

"Which is probably why you're so scrawny. You can't live off sushi and onigiri alone, you know."

"Yeah? Well, how would you know what I eat, anyway?"

The man blushed discreetly for a moment. "That is unimportant. All I'm saying is that your eating habits are unhealthy. If you wish to become strong enough to kill me, you must forsake family tradition."

Sakura, who had been silently watching in amusement, suddenly spoke up from Itachi's other side. "But Itachi-kun, what about earlier, when I saw that copy of _The Rulebook of Uchiha 'Do's and 'Don't's_ in your cloak?"

This time, Itachi couldn't hide his blush so well. Thankfully, however, Ojii-san arrived on the scene at just that moment with Itachi's order, and the conversation was lost.

"I want a bowl of whatever he's having, too, old man. Just this once," Sasuke seemed to concede and challenge simultaneously, as he eyed his impassive brother from the other side of his blonde-haired rival.

"Me, too!" Sakura piped up, ignoring the raised eyebrows of all four males, the eldest of which then bowed politely and went to fetch their meals.

* * *

tbc!

Meep! This chapter is actually pretty long, yet it seems so short! So much Naruto and Sasuke in it. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. x-x

If -- no, when! -- _When_ you review, make it really long so that it has a better chance of being picked for responses. And bribe me. That always helps.


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